Before my previous post I had been away from blogland for close to a month. I felt bad a little bit because I JUST got finished telling you folks that I was going to try and post more often. I just could not overcome the pseudo-depression that I had worked myself into.
I almost never let anything get to me, hence the name of my blog, but every now and again my emotions build to a breaking point and I cannot stop myself from feeling my emotions. During my time away I had to deal with someone who knows all of my deepest darkest secrets. This person knows how to make me hurt, how to break me down to my most basic emotional self. I was forced to look at myself in a way that I had been avoiding for a VERY long time.
Of course, the person I am referring to is MYSELF.
For the record, I am not talking about the "Douglass" part of myself, I mean the part of me that stays locked away on average 364 days a year. His name is Stewart. Stewart moved in with me, and forced me to confront myself and take responsibility for everything that I have done. Made me experience emotions that I had long forgot I had. I have begged him for forgiveness, but he will not grant it. He knows that for me to truly understand the gravity of my actions, that I need to hurt. And hurt I did. Everyday I was forced to relive recent events, force to play every painful sentence back in my mind. I reluctantly did as I was told and endured the painful experience. I kept to myself for days at a time. I hid my feelings from the rest of the world, but when I returned to the solitude of my apartment the pain returned.
At this juncture, I am doing much better. The pain has subsided to bearable standards, but Stewart is still around. He will not forgive me because he does not think that I have hurt enough. Maybe he is right. But I will not give up. I am going to do everything in my power to put myself back on the right track, send Stewart packing.
Until then, me, Stewart, and Douglass will have to learn to play nice.