What Happens When You Can Not Forgive Yourself???

Before my previous post I had been away from blogland for close to a month.  I felt bad a little bit because I JUST got finished telling you folks that I was going to try and post more often.  I just could not overcome the pseudo-depression that I had worked myself into.  

I almost never let anything get to me, hence the name of my blog, but every now and again my emotions build to a breaking point and I cannot stop myself from feeling my emotions.  During my time away I had to deal with someone who knows all of my deepest darkest secrets.  This person knows how to make me hurt, how to break me down to my most basic emotional self.  I was forced to look at myself in a way that I had been avoiding for a VERY long time.  

Of course, the person I am referring to is MYSELF.

For the record, I am not talking about the "Douglass" part of myself, I mean the part of me that stays locked away on average 364 days a year.  His name is Stewart.  Stewart moved in with me, and forced me to confront myself and take responsibility for everything that I have done.  Made me experience emotions that I had long forgot I had.  I have begged him for forgiveness, but he will not grant it.  He knows that for me to truly understand the gravity of my actions, that I need to hurt.  And hurt I did.  Everyday I was forced to relive recent events, force to play every painful sentence back in my mind.  I reluctantly did as I was told and endured the painful experience.  I kept to myself for days at a time.  I hid my feelings from the rest of the world, but when I returned to the solitude of my apartment the pain returned.

At this juncture, I am doing much better.  The pain has subsided to bearable standards, but Stewart is still around.  He will not forgive me because he does not think that I have hurt enough.  Maybe he is right.  But I will not give up. I am going to do everything in my power to put myself back on the right track, send Stewart packing.

Until then, me, Stewart, and Douglass will have to learn to play nice.



Lina said...

You shouldn't keep your feelings and fears bottled up like that, its unhealthy. Im just glad you are doing better.

You are the one you have to live for and live with so do what you need to.

karrie b. said...

i thought you were talking abt some chic.


RunGirl. said...

I was wondering where you have been.

Forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to come from enduring pain. Forgiveness doesn't have to = suffering.

You said you don't really listen to R&B, but maybe you should check out Mary's My Life album. It has and currently is getting me through rough times like this ...

Tuesdai Noelle said...

...*smile*, be of good cheer & stay encourage Stew, the darkest hour is just before day. Find something that makes you smile from within, anything. Whether it be a piece of gum on someone's shoe/pants lol, a silly book, or just walking to clear your mind...find something that makes you feel happy, in this moment :O).

I've found out it's the MOST surprising & sudden small "adventurous, of the day/moment, that brings a release to the mind.

Also, the comics are still on...I'm just giving BETTER ones, the new ones will be SWEETER!

Peace :O)

kid.a said...

damn bro, whats really going on...hit me up if you wanna talk...not sure what i can do but its always good to talk instead of keeping that stuff inside...

and like kb i thought you were talking about some chick...

oh yea thanks for the quote...i needed that!

Sasha said...

i love the way you wrote this. stewart is only looking to better you, from the inside out. but dont let him be too hard on you!! stick up for yourself a lil bit!


Stew said...

@lina - the longer i live the more i realize that

@kb - you fell into my trap. i wrote it so that people would think that

@rungirl - so you realized i was gone? *tear* i may just go out and find that

@tuesdai - if i keep on listening to you my head is going to explode. you are too deep for me

@kid - i think i am going to have to take you up on that offer. it is always good to hear someone else's opinion. you can do a lot. for me it is all about a different perspective, and i think you can offer me that

@sasha - yeah i think i will keep him around a bit longer, but he nags the shit out of me. it gets annoying

niki.mac said...

i love u stew!!!
u kno u can talk to me whenever, even while i'm in Italy!
email me or call me and i'll be here, as always. keep ur head up!

ms.uncensored said...

it happens to the best of us.

KGB said...