There is this story that my brother likes to tell. The story always goes something like this:
Stew, you probably do not remember this but there was this time when you were younger and you did something wrong and mom was about to beat you. Well at one point she took a swing at you and missed. Do you remember what you said to her after she missed? You said 'Ah ha you missed me!' After that it was over.
Every time he tells that story it is funny. Neither me nor my mom remember the story, but if he remembers it then it has to be true.
"That sounds like something stupid you would do. I'm glad I was not around back then. She would not have caught us."
So you would have had us run away when we were 4 years old?
"Self preservation is the first law of nature my friend."
I am sure mom would have tried to KILL us. Please stop talking.
Recently I started think about all of the threats that no one ever calls their parents on. Like this one 'I will slap the taste out of your mouth', and the always scary 'I will knock you into next week'. And do not forget the all time classic....say it with me now.....
'I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT'
In the world of threats, this might just be the most scary. Tell me that the little hairs on you neck did not stand out of fear when your mom or dad said that. I personally received that threat, so I know how it feels.
Here's the thing....
I never thought that my mom would kill me. But I wonder if she would. Makes me want to go back in time and call her bluff. Be like, 'Really mom, so you are going to kill me because I did not sweep the driveway. Is that really worth going to jail over?' Needless to say I probably would not have any teeth left in my skull, but my point would be proven. Parents do not have the stones to kill their kid for hanging wet clothes on the brand new kitchen chairs (inside joke), but they will rough them up a bit, Mike Tyson style with the wet clothes still in the child's arms (same inside joke). And they do not care that the other kid is there watching glad that it is not him, but all the while thinking to himself, 'If that was me, she would not be landing all those punches' (end inside joke here).
So next time your parents deliver terroristic threats to you stand up for yourself, try not to wet your pants, and CALL THEIR BLUFF.
Disclaimer: Stew is not responsible for any physical harm that may come to you from doing something this idiotic. I am sure that if you take this advice your next coherent thought would come to you from a hospital bed with your jaw wired shut.