Not Fatal Fridays!!!

"I really do hate that Stew censors me most of the time.  I feel like I have a lot of important things to say."

If everything you said did not have a sarcastic undertone to it then I would let you speak more.  If it were up to you then you would have the world bow down to you and hail you as their king.

"You damn right.  King Douglass.....or King Dougie???  I don't know which one sounds better.  But that is the only time I will allow anyone to call me Dougie.  You hear that ladies, you can call me Dougie as long as you put the 'King' in front of it."

Man get off of yourself.  I bet you would get off on people kneeling when you walk into the room and little kids running up to you asking for you autograph.

"I would LOVE for people to bow when I walk into the room, and in unison they all would have to say: 'Hail King Douglass.  For he might just be the greatest person ever.' Then my response would be: 'I do only what I can, only for my fans.'  I can see it now."

You really put a lot of thought into this haven't you?

"Ever since I was a little boy.  Anyhow, you bring up a good point though.  I would never sign autographs, I think they are pointless."

So I am guessing that this is the topic for this week's Not Fatal Fridays?

"I knew you were not as dumb as the way you sign your name on your posts suggests."

"If you ask me running up to someone and asking for their autograph serves no real purpose.  All it does is prove that you saw the person.  Why get them so sign some piece of cheap merchandise when you can just take a picture?  You will look equally as stupid jumping up and down waiting for this butt hole to sign your $15 limited edition shirt that everyone else has or standing there with your arm stuck in the air trying to get a decent shot of that douche.  So why not just take the easy way out and snap 100 pictures just to get 98 pictures of waving arms, 1 picture of the side of his/her nose, and 1 picture of his/her back as he/she gets back on their ridiculously huge tour bus/team bus/Maybach/private jet...you get the picture."

Well some people like that kind of thing.  Some people just enjoy having something that their favorite person signed.  There is nothing wrong with that.

"Yeah right.  It is never possible to read what those simpletons write anyway.  They just scribble the same nonsense over and over and call it an autograph.  Also, there is no reason to get someone's autograph unless you are pretty sure that it will be worth something in the future.  For you to get Ja Rule's autograph right now will be pointless.  Unless he discovers the cure for AIDS or can solve world hunger, his (and many others) autograph will be as worthless as one of those cologne/perfume inserts that you find in magazines.  As a matter of fact, I can not think of too many people's signatures would be worth anything now.  Readers, if I am wrong, please correct me.  You folks tell me one person who has a signature that could be worth something."

Call off the dogs Douglass, I think you made your point.

"So folks remember, getting an autograph from some clown is not fatal, therefore it's no big deal."

±KiNg DoUgLaSs±

The House Analogy

Humans and primates are 99% genetically the same. That 1% can mean the difference between swinging on trees, throwing your own feces at your mama, and being able to walk on two legs and put on underwear.

"I thought you were a geophysicists. How long have you been a geneticist too?"

Animal Planet give me all of the information I need. You should know, we watch it together all of the time, but I bet you are too busy playing with yourself to notice huh?

"Well you can kiss my ass!!!"

Just shut up for a minute.

The fact that humans are fundamentally the same means that you can make certain blanket statements about the different sexes. Think about any stereotype that has to do with the opposite sex.......got one??

Good

This is the analogy that I use, I call it:

The House Analogy

Here's the way I see it. When you think about a house there are certain things that all houses have, door, windows, rooms, lights, ect. But the thing that makes one more expensive, or more attractive is how the house is laid out. Some houses have more rooms than others, some are bigger than other, some are laid out better. Bottom line some houses are better than other houses. But at the same time, that house has everything in it that makes it a house, and that house is going to do the job of a house, no matter how much better one house is than the other house.

So when you apply this to people, girls for example, it is safe to say that all girls are emotional. Think of that attribute (emotional) to be the lights in a house. Some houses have more lights, and some lights are brighter.

An example for men, all men like porn. Think about men liking porn as windows. Some windowns are cleaner, bigger and more abundant in different houses.

"So now you are trying to relate people to houses?"

I thought I asked you to shut up.

"Don't be mad at me because you so called 'House Analogy' is stupid."

Of course you would say that because you are mad that you did not come up with it first.

"..."

I want you folks to think about what I said, and let me know if it makes sense to you or not. I will be more than happy to clear up anything for you. In the mean time....

What is the make up of your house??

~sTeW~

BIG BIG BIG Announcement!!!!

"Where is that idiot? I have been waiting here for 10 minutes. He said he had some BIG announcement to make today. I am sick of waiting on this guy, he is always late."

Good Douglass you are already here.

"It feels like I have been waiting here forever. I notice that you have been stressed lately, it has been affecting my performance."

What performance? All you do is follow me around all day. I am the only one who really does anything

"Well following you around and being lazy is not fun when you are stressed. I WANT TO PLAY!!!"

I think I am coming out of this bad place I have been in for the past two weeks.

"Good, because I am sick of having to deal with your nonsense. Now what is this big announcement that you wanted to make to our readers?"

For those of you who have been following this blog since its conception, you have probably noticed that I post about every two days. I wanted all of my readers to be able to read what I have written, and I wanted to have time to respond.

"Get to the point."

So I have decided that I am going to TRY and post everyday, but still keep the same quality that I have brought in the past. I am sure that I can come with quality material everyday, hell my mind is always working anyway.

"That's it??? That's the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT???"

Yeah, something wrong?

"You could have sent me a text or something. There was no need for you to make a huge deal about this and tell me to meet you at your apartment and all that crap. I'm gone."

For those of you who have not thrown a fit and left, stay tuned.

I have a lot on my mind

~sTeW~

Not Fatal Fridays!!!

"Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have done one of my segments. I have been helping Stew with this paper that he has been working on. He can't seem to do anything without my help."

You have not helped me once. Every time I start to work on the paper you go to sleep. Yesterday I asked you to proof read it for me and you just turned over and continued to snore.

"Well you should have asked me earlier in the day."

IT WAS 7 O'CLOCK!!!!

"Like I said, you should have asked me earlier in the day."

Whatever man.

"During the little time that I do have to use the computer, I like to read tech websites, download music and other applications that our computer may need, and every now and again I read blogs. I asked Stew to suggest some good blogs for me to read and in this list of awesome blogs I came across Eb the Celeb's blog. To make a long story short, it seems she is scared to ask some guy out on a date. I also read Dejanae's blog and it seems as if she is having trouble asking a guy to dance with her in the club. It seems to me like these two ladies, and 90% of ladies all over the globe, are struggling with a disease I like to call Firstmoveitis. This is the topic of todays discussion."

"Since the beginning of the INDEPENDENT WOMAN MOVEMENT women have made great progress in the world. We are beginning to see more females in high position and getting better jobs. Though the pay is not equal yet, everyone can agree that women are making GREAT progress in this world. Every woman will tell you 'I can do the same things that a man can do'. If that is true what is stopping women from going up to a guy every now and again and asking him for his number? I bet if women began approaching us they will gain a new appreciation for the courage it takes to walk up to a complete stranger and strike up a conversation. Or how tough it is to approach a guy in the club and ask if he would like to dance. No one likes rejection, but guys have been dealing with it for CENTURIES. What's the point in standing around looking at a guy and talking to you friends about how fine he is if you are not going to do anything about it? I know that guys do it all the time, but most times when we do that, at least one guy out of the group will have the strength to walk over and say something do her."

I can honestly say that I do not disagree with you. I have been concerned about woman for a long time that are suffering from this disease. What are the symptoms?

"Symptom may include but are not limited to:"

• Chronic 'Naw girl he gotta come talk to me'
• Persistent staring and drooling
• Difficulty speaking
• Occasional 'He probably got a little dick anyway'
• Fatigue resulting in 'He way over there'
• Prolonged 'He could have came over here'
• And a multitude of other symptoms/excuses

Are there any treatments?

"The treatment is simple. Take one cup of MAN THE HELL UP and call me in the morning."

"But do not think that I am just talking to the ladies here. This goes out to anyone who is making excuses for not going after a person that they are attracted to. So ladies do not think that I am singling you out.....even though I am."

"So remember, making the first move is not fatal, therefore it is no big deal"

±DoUgLaSs±


Eb and Dejanae please do not take this as me trying to take a shot at you or anything like that. It is supposed to be funny, that's it. If you took it as such, disregard this message.

Follow Up

My plan was to follow up my last post with a discussion about why those kids said the things they did. But after reading the FANTASTIC comments left by my FANTASTIC readers there is nothing left for me to say.

"So you thought that these fine people were too stupid to elaborate on the subject on their on huh? You think you HAVE to be the one to start the discussion? Well hopefully this knocks you off of your high horse, takes your head out of the clouds, deflates your ever growing ego. You are not the ring leader you thought you were are you? Let me answer that for you.....NO."

Much to your surprise Douglass, it does not bother me that I will not have to elaborate more on this subject. For those of you who are interested in what I WOULD HAVE said, just go back to the last post and read everyone's comments.

"So now you want to play the role of a modest gentleman. Well I'm not buying it. You will always be the pompous know-it-all in my book."

And you will always be a figment of my imagination.

For those of you still paying attention, what I WILL do is elaborate on the the nicknames that I gave the kids, since many of you found them very entertaining. We will start with:

Ringleader - This is pretty self explanatory. This boys has every other boy following his every command. When he says jump the others ask "On who?" It is always amazing to me to see the respect a kid like this gets at such a young age.

Lion Tamer - She was one of the first kids that I met when I first arrived at the camp. She is very nice, and love to tell stories and jokes. Her little brother on the other hand is a handful. She warned me about him the first day I met her. She told me a story that went something like this:

LT: Just wait until you meet my little brother.
sTeW: Why? Is there something wrong with him?
LT: He is psycho.
sTeW: What do you mean psycho?
LT: This one time at school he pulled his eyeball out and ate it.
sTeW: How is that possible?
LT: I don't know, but he did it. He came home laughing about it.

Regardless of whether or not that is EXACTLY what she said, she is the only one who can can keep that little boy under control. Hence the name...LION TAMER

Legs - Just a tall girl. She just got braces, so I could have called her Brace Face or Train Tracks, but those are just so old school. Also I know how much braces hurt so there is no need to add insult to injury.

Iron Face - Have you ever ran across one of those people who face is COMPLETELY flat? I mean from a profile view all you can see is nose and lips. Absolutely flat like the face of an iron. I mean like this:

Get the point? Well that is what this girls face looks like. FLAT!!!

Carrie - Pure Evil. She is mean to everyone, and does it with the sweetest little smile on her face.
I mean it. And this girl's mom acts like she is just the cat's meow. More like Lucifer's cackle if you ask me. Mephistopheles in a 5 year old girl body. Period.

Well this ends the follow up. Hope this was as entertaining for you to read as it was for me to write.

~sTeW~

Can I REALLY get mad???

When you stay in the middle of nowhere, sometimes you get bored and there is nothing to do. One day my mom and I had a conversation that went something like this:

sTeW - Hey ma!
Mom - Hey punky (one of her pet names for me)! What's up?
sTeW - I do not know what it is, but it feel like my life is missing something. I need to do something more with my time.
Mom - Well maybe you should get out there and start volunteering again. I was doing it when I was your age and it is well worth the experience. Also you meet new people and learn new things.
sTeW - You know what ma? That is a fantastic idea. I am going do do that.

So purely out of the kindness of my heart I begin to search for a place to do community service. I have always like working with kids, so this is an obvious choice for me. I send out a few emails, and I get a response from a lady who works at this "SUMMER FUN CAMP." This is perfect.

"So you expect us to be impressed by you or something? You want us to applaud your so called good deed? Plenty of people do community service and do not want any kind of praise. They do it because they want to give back to the community. They want to pass along their knowledge so that the next generation can become as good as, or better than their generation. You should be ashamed of yourself."


You obviously have no storytelling abilities Dougie. You have to set up the main story by giving some back story. Imagine watching a movie and goes right to the climax. You would be left with a million questions.


"That's why I don't tell stories. I spit facts. No more. No less. And the name's DOUGLASS. Call me Dougie again and we are gonna have problems!!!"


HA! HA! HA! Right. Well you enjoy your 'fact spitting'. I am going to continue with my story.


This "SUMMER FUN CAMP" is run out of a school in a small town about 6 or 7 minutes away from where I live. I have been going there for about 3 weeks now, and I must say that I really love it. The kids there are ages 5 - 12. Going there brings back all of these nostalgic memories of being a child. But there is one downside, and this brings us to the purpose of this post. That downside is:


At least one kid says something racist to me EVERYDAY.


If you did not know, I am in RURAL Pennsylvania. Do I need to elaborate? Did not think so. I can not get mad at these kids for what they say, I can not even explain to them why what they are saying is racist. Remember, I am just a voluenteer. Here are some examples:

Situation: We are at the pool. One of the older kids is telling me about his parents, and one of his lackeys is standing next to him. We will call the kid I am talking to Ringleader, and his lackey.....let us just call him Lackey.

Ringleader: My mom is white and my dad is black. But they got divorced a few years ago. It's cool though.
sTeW: Dang man that's too bad. How are you holding up?
Ringleader: I am fine with it. I am staying here with my mom right now.
Lackey: Yeah.....my mom is white and my dad is white.
Ringleader: Thanks, we can see that.
Lackey: I wish I were black though.
sTeW: *thinking* Here we go
sTeW: No you don't
Ringleader: *looking at me* Why not?
sTeW: I'm not going to get into all of that. He just does not want to be black.
Lackey: I want to be black because of football. All of the good players in the NFL are black.
sTeW: *looks down at kid*
sTeW: *begins laughing & shaking head*
sTeW: *removes himself from the situation*

Situation: Sitting and doing arts and crafts. Working with Fusion Beads. (You can make all kinds of cool stuff. Just put the beads on the template and use an iron to fuse them together) I make a star with a bunch of different colors on it. I am sitting there with a bunch of kids, but one decides to drop this little piece of knowledge on me. We will call her Lion Tamer.

sTeW: Aw man. I should have made the part in the middle red, black, and green.
Lion Tamer: What does that mean?
sTeW: Those are the colors that represent Africa.
Random kids: Cool. I did not know that.
Lion Tamer: Yeah well do you know what the colors white, black, yellow, and red mean?
sTeW: *thinks*
sTeW: *not expecting anything remotely racist*
sTeW: I do not know. What does it mean?
Lion Tamer: White is for white people. Black is for black people. Yellow is for Chinese people. Red is for Indians.
(uncomfortable silence)
(all eyes on me)
sTeW: *laughs uncontrollably*
sTeW: That could be the most racist thing I have heard in a while
Lion Tamer: My mom told me that.
sTeW: *shakes head*
sTeW: *removes himself from the situation*

Situation: We could be doing anything, anywhere. A couple of the girls have said this. We will call one of them Legs, and the other Iron Face.

sTeW: *sitting & talking* or *sitting & doing arts and crafts* or *sitting & trying to stop kids from sitting on me*
Legs: *rubs my head like a vomit stain* Your hair is fuzzy!!!
Iron Face: *rubs my head equally as hard* Yeah it is fuzzy!!!
Both: *laugh like they were watching Hannah Montana*
sTeW: *removes himself from the situation*

Situation (My personal favorite): I am there for maybe 20 minutes and I am watching these kids do Bead Buddies. (It is just string and beads and the kids make animals and necklaces and bracelets. You get the idea) I get approached by this little 5 or 6 year old girl. She is evil. We will call her Carrie. (Who gets the movie reference?)

sTeW: *envious because I am having a hard time with Bead Buddies*
sTeW: Can someone help me? I am terrible at this.
Carrie: *turns to me and smiles* Are you allergic to chocolate?
sTeW: What?!? No. I am not. Why do you ask?
Carrie: *still smiling* Because you are brown, and brown people are allergic to chocolate.
sTeW: *literally ROFLMAO* I have to write this down.
sTeW: *still laughing... manages to get off of the floor and go into kitchen where phone is located*
Random Counselors: sTeW, what's so funny?
sTeW: These kids say something racist everyday.
Carrie: *followed me and stands at the door*
sTeW: *points at Carrie* Her.
Random Counselor: What did you say to sTeW?
Carrie: *still smiling, repeats entire conversation*
Random Counselor: Well why do you think they are allergic to chocolate?
Carrie: Because they are ugly!!!
sTeW: *returns to floor, and continues to LMAO*
(after a side conversation with the Counselor)
Carrie: I was just kidding. *skips away*
sTeW: *incapacitated by laughter, takes a short nap on the kitchen floor*

This has become pretty lengthy. I just wanted to set the mood for the conversation that is to come. You know I can not just give you a situation without wanting to talk about it. Next time we will get to the heart of the matter. So enjoy this, and until next time remember:

Control the pet population, have you pets spayed or neutered.

~sTeW~