Happy Holidays

First off I would like to welcome Niki back to the states.  After a 6 month absence I am happy to have her back on this side of the world.

Next on the agenda, I would like to wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  And what ever other holidays you are celebrating out there.  I hope everyone stays safe and thoroughly enjoys themselves.

Also, I am making progress on my mixtape.  As of right now I have two more tracks in the making, Go Soft & Azma Attack.  I need a female voice for Azma Attack, and I must say that it has been pretty hard to come by.  Since I have been home I have let a few people listen to what I have so far, and just about everyone has liked it.  They have been laughing a lot and that is all that I ask for.  Most surprising to me is how much my dad is into it.  He walks around the house singing my songs.  It is a little weird.  I got an offer from Niki to debut some of the music on her blog, but I have not made up my mind.  If I do I will definitely let you all know.

Lastly, Douglass is back, and he will be making his return pretty soon.  I have no clue what he will have to say, so just brace yourself.

Again, Happy Holidays. 

Stay Safe

~sTeW~

It's Official...

Have you ever sat around and talked about doing something for months and months.  Maybe something like:

'I'm going to start reading more.'

or

'I'm going to to start exercising again.'

perhaps 

'I'm going to stop picking my nose.'

Sadly enough, even when you said these things to yourself, you knew in the back of your head that you would continue to procrastinate.  Well unlike all of you lazy people out there I got up off of my butt and did started on the task that I have challenged myself with.

I have officially.......

STARTED ON MY MIXTAPE. (cue superhero music)

So far I have 6 songs finished, and I must say that I really enjoy rapping.  Now do not get me wrong, I am not SERIOUSLY pursuing a rap career, I am recording the music on my laptop.  I just enjoy making music.  The whole purpose was to make a mixtape and send it to my brother, because I knew he would get a good laugh out of it.  So far, so good.  But if you ask me, I am actually putting together some pretty good songs, given what I have to work with.

I started out by recording in my living room, turns out that the sound travel does not get picked up well in there (too much open space), then I moved into my bathroom (still too much echo), then I found the perfect spot to record my hot rhymes...a closet.  There is not any echo, and it is completely silent.  I could not have asked for a better place (except for an actual studio that is).

So far my tracklist is as follows, but in no particular order

1. Crazy Ass Dreams

2. Here For You

3. Cake Walk

4. One Word

5. Learn How to Count

6. Cleaned Up My Room

I can not express to you folks how much fun I have been having these past few days.  The only really weird thing is that my mom is making me create clean versions of all of the song.  I must say that replacing "dirty" words with "clean" words leaves you with a strange taste in your mouth.  A little like when you brush you tongue too far in the back and you throw up a little.  That is how it taste to replace "damn" with "darn".

My whole point in tell you this is so that you can get up off of your ass and do whatever it is that you have been meaning to do.  Because if I can start recording my mixtape then you can pull that finger out of your nose.

It is going to start bleeding eventually.

~sTeW~

That Just Ain't Fair

I like Tom Cruise.  

Not because I think he is a good actor, I am not sure that I know what constitutes good a bad actor, but because he is a very physical actor and he makes good action movies.  The Mission Impossibles are an awesome set of movies.  He and Will Smith are guaranteed to run in EVERY movie they are in.  I was not expecting to see Will running in Pursuit of Happyness, but dammit if he did not find a scene to explode into an emotion filled gallop.  Hell, one of the main shots for the 7 Pounds trailer is him running in the rain.

But I digress...

In 2002 Minority Report was released, and Tom Cruise was the star.  Yet again, Tom used his athleticism to make an action packed movie.  But it is not the action of the movie that caught my attention, it was the premise.

Imagine living in a world where you could get in trouble for the things that you were going to to do, and not for the things that you have done.  In the movie, this idea only applies to murders, but what if these rules were applied to EVERYTHING bad you did.  What if the cops knew you were going to rob a bank before you did?  What if your significant other knew you were going to cheat before you actually did it?  What if your teacher knew you were going to plagiarize before you did it?

In my personal opinion I do not think it is very fair for someone to get into trouble for what they were thinking about doing.  Just because the thought of chopping your boss' head off crossed your mind does not mean you were actually going to go through with it.  Personally I think this is unfair to people who frequently have morbid thought, but never go through with them.

Here's something else to think about....

What if this were a service that could be bought?  How bad would that suck?  You girl/boyfriend could know in advance when you were going to break up with them, so they would do it before you had a chance to.  Your friend knew you were going to eat the last slice of pizza so he beat you to it.  That unattractive chick/dude at the club knew the only way you would sleep with him/her is if you were drunk so they bought you a bunch of drinks, and now you are waking up with a hangover trying to figure out why you are naked laying next to a Freddy Kruger look alike.

As you can see, there are many things that could go wrong if we develop the ability to see into the future.

Not only could you end up fire from your job or in jail...you could end up on the bad end of someone's diabolical plot to get in your pants.

~sTeW~

Bet You Never Though About That

First off I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  I hope everyone had a fantastic holiday.  Hopefully none of you all got into any REAL trouble out there shopping on Black Friday.  I know a couple of people who came close to catching assault charges messing with those crowds.

For those of you who enjoy Douglass' pseudo-intelligent humor, I am sorry to say that he is still on fall break, and he will not be back until next week.  He sends his regards. 

Wait....I'm getting a text from him right now.  It says:

"F**k you Stew."

How nice of him.

Anyhow...

I had a conversation today with a some people and we were goofing off as usual, and some how we got on the topic of Santa Clause.  I asked them:

If Santa was real, would you write to him?

To which everyone responded:

"Hell yeah, sometimes twice a day."

So then I asked:

What type of cell phone do you think Santa would have?

No one responded, so I said:

I think Santa would have a Blackberry.

To me this makes perfect sense.  Even though I have never really sat down and used a Blackberry, from what I understand it is very good at letting you read your email and organize massive amounts of information.  I think this would suit Santa very well.  He has to have a way to organize his naughty and nice lists.  He has to have a way to read all of the letters that people would send him.  To me a Blackberry seems like a perfect fit for Santa

Next I asked:

What type of cell phone would Jesus have?

IPHONE!!!

My main argument for Jesus having an iPhone is that Jesus seems to be a flashy guy.  Right now in the cell phone game there is nothing more flashy than the iPhone.  Even though the number of people that have an iPhone is growing exponentially, Jesus would still have the most tricked out iPhone with some one-of-a-kind applications.  For example he would have and application that answers prayers, or performs miracles from half way around the world.  He would not even have to get up to do his thing.

With all of this talk about all powerful beings having cell phone, it got me thinking about real people and what kind of cell phone they would have had.

You folks tell me. 

What type of phone would these people have?

MLK

Ghandi

Hitler

Malcolm X

Harriet Tubman

Moses

Bruce Lee

Abraham Lincoln

Napoleon

Black Beard (Don't know who this is??? Look it up)

I bet you never thought about that.

~sTeW~

Let's Take a Step Back

Much to my mother's dismay, I have not posted about Obama's victory.  I try not to write about what other people have already posted.  Now that I think about it, that is not a good idea, especially when it come to a historical event of this magnitude. 

I am going to refer back to a previous post of mine.  For those of you who did not click on the link, it was about the what the "average black man" in America is.  I got some very very nice response, and to this day that post is one of my favorites.

"So you don't support Obama?? Is that why you have not posted about him and his decisive victory?"

...

"Nothing to say huh??? I knew it. I knew you would not be in line with the most important black man since Dr. King."

I'm not responding because you are an idiot.

Anyhow, Obama's presidency will redefine what it means to be a black man in America.  I am hoping that nothing but positivity will come from Obama and his family being in the limelight and that the world will address what it means to be a black man.  

In my eyes, the face of the "average black man" has changed.  

NOW WE HAVE HOPE

~sTeW~

(Are you happy now mama???)

I Got a Question

Note to reader: THIS POST MAKES A FEW BROAD GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT RACE.  NOTHING HURTFUL THOUGH. SO IF YOU HAVE BEEN OFFENDED BY SOMETHING THAT I HAVE WRITTEN BEFORE....I AM PRETTY SURE YOU WILL GET OFFENDED AGAIN. 

I do not know if I have every told you folks this.  I go to The Pennsylvania State University, or just Penn State.  Home of the Nittany Lions.

"What the hell is a Nittany Lion?  Sounds like some punk ass lion that kicked out of the pride and started his own group!!!"

Apparently it is a species of mountain lion that was unique to this area.  They were found on Mt. Nittany, hence the name Nittany Lion.

"Still sounds like a rejected mountain lion.  And you are a punk for going to a school with an extinct mascot."

Why is it that you never have anything positive to say?

"Well I don't know about other days, but today I'm just hyper.  I had two of those 5 hour energy shots and 4 Red Bulls.  I'm ready!!!!"

For what?

"Whatever life throws at me."

Your heart is going to explode.

The point in mentioning the school that I attend is not to get Douglass all hyped up about the mascot.  Here is what I am getting at:

When you go to a majority school, you see people of EVERY race/ethnicity.  You name it, it's here.  Today I was walking to the bank and I looked at this Asian chick and I thought, "Wow, her hair looks really good."  So that got me thinking...I have never seen an Asian, man or woman, with bad hair.  So I have come to the conclusion that all Asian people have nice hair.  Maybe they put more time into their hair, or maybe nature has blessed them with that bounce most people would kill for.  Whatever the reason, I am making that statement.

So that got me thinking about the good qualities in all races, because all races/ethnicities have good and bad qualities.  I am not just talking about physical traits, it can be personality traits, culture, ANYTHING.  For example, a good quality about white people is the privilege and opportunity that comes with being white.  

So my question to you is...

What qualities from other races/ethnicities would you like to have for yourself? 

I understand that most of you will probably say "I am happy just the way I am."  I am pretty sure that MOST people are happy the way they are.  This is just a thought exercise that is supposed to be fun, and maybe a bit funny.  So go crazy, have fun with it.  I will not judge you for anything you may come up with.  This is one of those rare times that...

Stereotypes are more than welcomed!!!

~sTeW~

Movies are not ALWAYS fake

To some of my more faithful readers, it is brutally obvious that I am a BIG BIG movie fan. I will watch just about any movie, if I can catch it, but I am very picky about what movies I decided to spend my money to go and see. What I find most interesting about my interest in movies is that I tend to examine movies on a much deeper level than what they were originally intended.

"This is because you have no life.  You need to be more like me and get out more.  Stop spending all of your time in the movie theater and in the house. Go out and enjoy life. DAMN!!!"

Douglass, how do you go anywhere with me with you?

"That is not the important thing here.  The important thing is that you get the hell out of the house. I am sick of always having to watch lame ass movies.  There are plenty of things to do and people to meet out there on the streets."

You get in trouble on the streets.  You and I both know that.  Now quiet down, I have to get to the point.

"Please do. I'm getting sick of your rambling."

In recent years, one of my favorite movies has been Mr. & Mrs Smith.  It is now being played on FX which is what prompted me to write about it.  In my opinion, the movie does a great job contrasting the emotions and actions of men and women when their relationship gets turned up-side-down.  Let us not forget, this is an action movie.

I do not know how many of you have seen the movie, but for those who have, think about how differently John and Jane reacted to the situation.  Jane was very impulsive.  She did and said things that she regretted.  John on the other head kept a cool head and tried, with little success, to talk it out and gain some understanding about what was going on.  Jane, like MOST women, allowed for her emotions to take control and did not consider the implications of her actions until afterwards.  Also, she was very negative during the whole ordeal.  For example, John said to her: "I want this story to have a happy ending." she responded: "Happy endings are for stories that aren't finished." (This was the scene where they were dancing... one of my favorite scenes)  If you ask me, she was being extremely negative and was not even trying to hear John out.  

I must say that John did something very stupid. Why would he chase after Jane's car with a gun in his hand?  What was Jane to expect when he shot a hole in the windshield?  He should have left the gun in the house, and that entire situation could have been avoided.  

The main point I am getting at is that men and women are polar opposites when it comes to dealing with a crisis, especially when the crisis is an affair of the heart.  Men tend to keep a more calm disposition, while women tend to take actions that are full of passion.  With both approaches there are pros and cons.  Maybe there is a situation that calls for a man to act with more vigor, but since we do not naturally tap into those types of emotions, we could potentially make the situation worse.  Also, sometimes it is good that that a woman acts completely out of impulse due to her emotional outburst, it does not ALWAYS have to have a negative impact.

"Sometimes I think you are a woman."

Nothing I say is ever absolute.  There are exceptions to every rule.  But for the majority...

YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

~sTeW~

How Long Will This Last???

Now... I understand that this music is not meant for me. I know this. But this crap is giving Hip-Hop a bad name. We have to stop classifying this crap as Rap/Hip-Hop and give it a different genre. Like Wacky Crap, or TMM (Talentless Music Movement). No matter what it is called, something has to be done.

~sTeW~

What Happens When You Can Not Forgive Yourself???

Before my previous post I had been away from blogland for close to a month.  I felt bad a little bit because I JUST got finished telling you folks that I was going to try and post more often.  I just could not overcome the pseudo-depression that I had worked myself into.  

I almost never let anything get to me, hence the name of my blog, but every now and again my emotions build to a breaking point and I cannot stop myself from feeling my emotions.  During my time away I had to deal with someone who knows all of my deepest darkest secrets.  This person knows how to make me hurt, how to break me down to my most basic emotional self.  I was forced to look at myself in a way that I had been avoiding for a VERY long time.  

Of course, the person I am referring to is MYSELF.

For the record, I am not talking about the "Douglass" part of myself, I mean the part of me that stays locked away on average 364 days a year.  His name is Stewart.  Stewart moved in with me, and forced me to confront myself and take responsibility for everything that I have done.  Made me experience emotions that I had long forgot I had.  I have begged him for forgiveness, but he will not grant it.  He knows that for me to truly understand the gravity of my actions, that I need to hurt.  And hurt I did.  Everyday I was forced to relive recent events, force to play every painful sentence back in my mind.  I reluctantly did as I was told and endured the painful experience.  I kept to myself for days at a time.  I hid my feelings from the rest of the world, but when I returned to the solitude of my apartment the pain returned.

At this juncture, I am doing much better.  The pain has subsided to bearable standards, but Stewart is still around.  He will not forgive me because he does not think that I have hurt enough.  Maybe he is right.  But I will not give up. I am going to do everything in my power to put myself back on the right track, send Stewart packing.

Until then, me, Stewart, and Douglass will have to learn to play nice.

~sTeW~

Tip Your Garbage Man

"My god!!! What's that awful smell?  Smells like bananas, spoiled meat and used diapers.  Many, many used diapers."

Oh, sorry.  That is me Douglass. I just got in.  It does not smell that bad does it?

"WHAT!?!?!?! That's like looking at Sarah Jessica Parker, and saying, 'She is not that ugly'.  She is hideous, and you smell like roadkill."

Well what do you want me to do about it, I spent all morning picking up people's garbage and throwing it on a truck.

"I WANT you to burn those close and then wash your ass.  That's what I WANT you to do about it.  Don't touch any of my things."

Sure thing...

*After a 30 min shower*

"See how much difference soap and water can make?  Wait....I just thought about something, what the hell were you doing picking up garbage?  You got some kind of kinky fetish or something?  I knew you were nasty, but damn."

Your stupidity knows no bounds.  I did it because of a bet I made with a friend of mine, we will call him Slick Willy.  Slick Willy got busted for public urination when he took a piss on the sidewalk before he went into the club.  I was not there when it happened, but from what I hear, he was BLASTED and thought that it would be a good idea to take a piss while standing in line. I think he got some on some people's feet.  Needless to say the cops came right when someone was about to pound his face in.  At the end of the day, he had to do 30 hours of community service.  One of the many different tasks he was given was being a garbage man for a day.  When he came back and told me about it, he said it was the hardest thing he had ever done and bet me that I would not do it.  

"So you do anything that people bet you?  I bet you to leave and never come back.  I would even pay you."

Though collecting garbage was not the HARDEST thing I have ever done, I have gained a new respect for those that do.  I have always respected blue collar workers.  These are the guys that make our lives easy to live.  In my personal opinion, they get shafted the same way that teachers do.  

It is hard to grasp the magnitude of trash.  You have to stop at EVERY house, on EVERY street, in EVERY neighborhood.  You cannot skip a single house.  ALL TRASH MUST BE COLLECTED!!! You name it, I bet you I saw it in someone's garbage.  Until you go from house to house on about 20 different streets, you will never understand how much trash we generate. What's worse is that Halloween just ended, which means I picked up so many damn pumpkins that if I see another one before next Halloween I may have to be committed.  I want you to guess how much garbage we collected in about 5 hours of work.  I will give you a second to come up with a number.

.........

.........

.........

You got a number? If you guessed 7.5 tons then you were correct.  We collected 7.5 tons of garbage in 5 hours.  And that was just two guys and one truck.  There are an army of workers accompanied by platoon of trucks.

It was not all bad though.  I got some good exercise, and I got to hang off of a moving vehicle.  There are not too many jobs where you can jump off of a truck and not get yelled at.  I felt like Will Smith's stunt double.  If you have not done it, do it.  

Just be sure not to fall on your face.

~sTeW~  

P.S. Do your garbage man a favor and put your trash in bags.  Do not just throw a bunch of individual pieces of trash away.  When you bag it, it makes his life that much easier.  Also, it stops him from memorizing your address and coming back to crap on your lawn.

Douglass' Weekly Sex Tip

"I don't have anything clever to say this time.  My message is very very clear this week."

"NO GLOVE, NO LOVE."

±DoUgLaSs±

Can You Compare The Two???

A little while ago I wrote about the average black man. I think this video plays into what I was talking about.

Tell me what you think.

~sTeW~

Douglass' Weekly Sex Tip

*whistle blows*

Penalty on the the play.  Failure to verbalize.  1 date suspension. 

*Douglass is pissed*

"Failure to verbalize.  This is a common mistake both men and women make on a consistent basis.  To put it in layman's terms, you don't let your partner know you are enjoying yourself through auditory responses while you are sexing.  I am confused by this phenomenon.  Ladies, if it feels good let him know by groaning or screaming, or by simpling saying 'That feels good'.  Fellas, don't just get in there and hammer away, talk to her.  Tell her that you are enjoying the experience as much as she it.  You do not have to hold a full conversation, but give her some indication that you aren't just there to lay pipe.  I am not saying that you have to be as ignorant as the folks from porn, but something is better than nothing."

"For the more advanced users, dirty talk can also spice things up between the sheets.  Be careful though, sometimes dirty talk can get a little too dirty, and that can get you in trouble.  For example, don't call your partner a 'FILTHY WHORE' if you have any indication that she may not like it.  Ladies, don't try to get your partner more into the experience by telling him that he 'HAS A DICK LIKE A G.I. JOE' if you are not absolutely sure that he will not go into the fetal position and start crying."

"So remember, talking is not reserved only for the good folks at West Coast Productions, or Bang Bros.  You and your partner can talk too. Just avoid conversations, and calling him/her by the wrong name."

"That could be disastrous."

±DoUgLaSs±

Parents...Someone Should Call Their Bluff

There is this story that my brother likes to tell.  The story always goes something like this:

Stew, you probably do not remember this but there was this time when you were younger and you did something wrong and mom was about to beat you.  Well at one point she took a swing at you and missed.  Do you remember what you said to her after she missed?  You said 'Ah ha you missed me!'  After that it was over.

Every time he tells that story it is funny.  Neither me nor my mom remember the story, but if he remembers it then it has to be true.

"That sounds like something stupid you would do.  I'm glad I was not around back then.  She would not have caught us."

So you would have had us run away when we were 4 years old?

"Self preservation is the first law of nature my friend."

I am sure mom would have tried to KILL us.  Please stop talking.

Recently I started think about all of the threats that no one ever calls their parents on.  Like this one 'I will slap the taste out of your mouth', and the always scary 'I will knock you into next week'.  And do not forget the all time classic....say it with me now.....

'I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I WILL TAKE YOU OUT' 

In the world of threats, this might just be the most scary.  Tell me that the little hairs on you neck did not stand out of fear when your mom or dad said that.  I personally received that threat, so I know how it feels.

Here's the thing....

I never thought that my mom would kill me.  But I wonder if she would.  Makes me want to go back in time and call her bluff.  Be like, 'Really mom, so you are going to kill me because I did not sweep the driveway.  Is that really worth going to jail over?'  Needless to say I probably would not have any teeth left in my skull, but my point would be proven.  Parents do not have the stones to kill their kid for hanging wet clothes on the brand new kitchen chairs (inside joke), but they will rough them up a bit, Mike Tyson style with the wet clothes still in the child's arms (same inside joke).  And they do not care that the other kid is there watching glad that it is not him, but all the while thinking to himself, 'If that was me, she would not be landing all those punches' (end inside joke here).

So next time your parents deliver terroristic threats to you stand up for yourself, try not to wet your pants, and CALL THEIR BLUFF.

~sTeW~

Disclaimer: Stew is not responsible for any physical harm that may come to you from doing something this idiotic.  I am sure that if you take this advice your next coherent thought would come to you from a hospital bed with your jaw wired shut.

When I Go Shopping

I am not into shoes at all, but I know that they are essential to make a good outfit.  Thanks to people like Kid. A and Niki, these multicolored shoes caught my eye.  I am normally very strict about the color shoes I but because I never know if I have clothes to go with them or not.  I am fairly sure I have clothes that go with these though.

As for the title of this post, when I go shopping I ALWAYS find stuff that I like for a low price. Guess how much I paid for these shoes put together..... go ahead, I will give you a second.

I paid less than $55 for both of them, not $55 a piece, $55 together.  This is how I shop.  Some of you are probably not impressed, but I am always happy with the things that I buy.

"I'm not impressed.  Personally I don't like them."

I like them, but I am curious to know what you folks think about them.  Good decision, bad decision, you do not really care.  Let me know something.

~sTeW~

Douglass' Weekly Sex Tip

*whistle blows*

Personal foul.  Illegal use of teeth.  Violator will be assessed a two date penalty.  No fooling around until three dates from now.

*red flag hits sex ref in the face*

We have a challenge on the field.  Yet again, coming from Douglass.

"There is no way that biting in the bedroom should be illegal.  If anything biting should be encouraged.  There is a certain aspect of pleasure that come along with pain.  Well, not always, but in intimate situations this almost always holds true.  Ladies you know what I am talking about.  When HE is hitting that spot, and it 'hurts so good'.  (Disclaimer: I have never, nor do I ever, want to be penetrated in the same fashion as a woman is.  I can't speak for Stew though.) The pain that you would experience from biting would be similar to that.  But don't restrict yourself to just biting.  Scratching, hair pulling, pinching, slapping....just go crazy with it.  All of those little things can enhance an intimate experience tenfold."

"I am not saying go out there and punish someone, even though if you are into the dominatrix thing then more power to you.  All I am saying is a little pain can go a long way."

"Try it.  Go out and bite someone, then ask to be bitten.  If you don't like it then I will guarantee your money back.  Well....since you didn't pay for this in the first place, I will probably tell you that you did it wrong, and that you should go back and try it again until you get it right."

±DoUgLaSs±

I'm More Than A Little Weird

The best thing about having a laptop is that I can post from anywhere.  For example, right now I am writing from the comfort of my toilet, and it IS mighty comfortable.

"This blog has hit a new low."

Green is not a color that suits you Douglass.

"So you work for the Style Network now?"

Say what?

"You are talking about colors not suiting me.  I figured that you have given up your day job and went into fashion."

I always knew you were stupid.

Anyhow....

One aspect about my personality that most people do not know about is my overactive imagination.  I rarely tell anyone about the crazy stuff that I cook up in my mind.  I have so much fun with it.  I absolutely enjoy living inside of my head.  

Here's an example of what I did yesterday.

It is entirely possible to walk EVERYWHERE in this little town that I am in.  Needless to say, walking is boring, unless you turn it into a game.  So I find a person that is far ahead of me and try to catch up to them.  To me, this is fun by itself, but I treat it like race with color commentators and everything.  The commentators names are Jim & Tom.  This is an excerpt from one of their last broadcasts:

Jim:  Well Tom it does not look like Stew will be able to catch guy in the red hat this time.

Tom: I would not count Stew out just yet.  As we have seen in the past, he has great closing speed and excellent stamina.

Jim: WAIT!!! It's looking like Stew is starting his world famous surge.  We have never seen anyone pull away from him when he kicks it into high gear.

Tom: Guy in the red hat has no clue that Stew is coming up on him.  He is powerless to stop him.

Jim: I spoke with Stew before the race, and he said that he really enjoys what he does and trains extremely hard for each and every event.

Tom: Stew is just a class act, right Jim?

Jim: I remember back in 98 after his huge comeback win over chick with really short shorts he stay behind and signed autographs for 6 hours.  He kept a smile on his face the entire time.

My walk is about 20 minutes so this goes on for quite a while.  Time flies by when I do silly stuff like this.  It makes the walk so much more entertaining.  Needless to say that sometimes I am sweating like a fat man in a sauna, but it is worth it in the end.

"MY GOD YOU ARE LAME."

Yes I know, but I have fun.

To me that is all that counts.

~sTeW~

No Matter What I Do...

It is very hard to be me sometimes.  Very few people in this world have the same experience that I have.

"I have said it before and I will say it again.  You are not as great as you think you are."

Of course you would say that.  Your entire reason for existence is to be a thorn in my side, and I thank you for that.

"That makes no sense."

With you being as negative and condecending as you are, it makes me feel SO good when I do something amazing.

"Safe to assume you are going to b

ore us with some pathetic story about something that you think you did well."

You know me so well.  You would not be a good alter ego if you d

id not.

I realized years ago that no matter what I do I am really good at it.  Most times I am good at it without trying to be.  For example, this past weekend my class went on a field trip to Green Lake in Fayetteville, New York.

"TIMEOUT.  Field trip?  I thought you were in grad school, why are you taking field trips?"

*Ignorance tuned out*

While we were on the field trip I took the opportunity to try my hand at nature photography.  Instead of me telling you how great the pictures were, I will just show you.

Then we went to this waterfall.

This last one is just me showing off.

Damn it is tough to be me.

~sTeW~

I Got A Question

I really hate it when I have a billion things that I could write about, but I am just to lazy to start typing.

"Seems as if you are too lazy to do a bunch of stuff lately."

Do you care to elaborate?

"I woke up last night and the bed was wet."

When did you wake up?!?!?! And what did you do?!?!?!?

"Not only is what I did none of your business, it is irrelevant.  I am trying to figure out why I had to change the sheets last night."

Look man, after I fall asleep and you decide to take over, I can not be held accountable for anything that happens.

"Wait, so we weren't at a pool?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

"Go to hell Stew."

No can do.  There is too much fun to be had, plus I have a question to ask the people.

A few years back I learned the answer to a popular tongue twister.  Since then, when ever I asked someone if they knew the answer to the tongue twister they did not know.  Like most people, I did not know that there was an answer to the question, so I was excited when I learned the answer.

The question is:

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I am curious to know how many of you know the answer to this.  DON'T CHEAT EITHER!!!

We are watching you.

~sTeW~

5 Things You Learn When...

I must admit, this is one of my favorite segments to write.  The bad thing is that it is not always easy coming up with a situation that you can learn 5 things from.

"How about '5 Things you learn when  you read my boring ass posts' or maybe '5 Things you learn when you finally bow down to King Douglass'?  I really like the second one."

Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk?

"Survey says......No!!!"

Did not think so.

Douglass' excessive talking has given me a good idea for this installment.  So I will jump right into it.

5 Things you learn when you have an out of control alter ego.

1. The thoughts that you are having are not your own.  You begin to think:

-Why do I have a sudden urge to slap that person?

-Why am I craving a Newports?

-Where is this passion for goth chicks coming from?

2. You can end up in places without knowing how you got there.  You begin to think:

-I know I fell asleep in my bed last night.  So why am I in this dumpster?

-Why am I in this bed with a guy....naked?

-What did I do to get put in this jail cell?

3. You can sometimes assume the persona of your alter ego.  Alter ego begins to think:

-It's my turn to have some fun.

-Show me the goth chicks.

-If I get drunk enough, I just might kill someone.

4. People start to think that you have lost your marbles.  They begin to think:

-Whenever I see him/her he/she is always talking to himself/herself.

-He/She always looks tired.  It's like he/she is living two lives.

-One day he/she likes *insert type of person*,  but other days he/she is into goth chicks.

5. YOU start to think that you have lost your marbles.  You begin to think:

-Why did that person just look me and call me a different name?

-I do not remember spending $200 at Hot Topic.

-Is it possible to develop a drug addiction overnight?

Maybe Douglass is out of control, maybe not.  Maybe these 5 things apply to me, maybe not.  Maybe I am feeling goth chicks, maybe not. 

"You do like goth chicks, rocker chicks too.  Do not act like I'm the only one with this fetish.  Hell, you are the reason why I even pay them any mind to begin with."

All I am saying is that these are some situations to look out for if you have an alter ego.

Especially one that does not have your best interest in mind.

~sTeW~ 

(for those who do not know, the top picture is from a movie called Mr. Brooks.  if you are still lost then watch the movie and read this post again)

I Got A Question

I know, I know. I have been slacking off.  I could not even last two week with this whole posting everyday thing

"This is why you should just give up at life.  You are a failure.  You should just let me take over, I promise your life will get back on track."

Do you remember what happened last time you took over?

"Of course I do, but I think it would be better if you told the people."

It would be better if I told them, because you can not remember.  It is hard to remember details when you are passed out drunk on a sidewalk at Virginia Beach.

"That was a good night.  Filled with free drinks and good times."

Yeah, good times for you.  I was the one that had to deal with the hangover the next day.  All you did was sleep.  All that to say, you come out to play when I let you.

"You suck!!!"

So I have decided, in lieu of struggling to come up with  something to post I am going to pose a question.  You do not have to answer it if you do not want to, but these questions will always be concepts that I have always found interesting.  Also, I know the answer to the questions, so you will not be able to pass with some nonsense if you do decided to answer the question.

"This is a stupid idea.  I bet no one will even respond."

I have faith in my readers, someone will respond.  Also, if they do not respond, I am sure the question will give them something to think about, and they will want to know the answer.

Today's question is....

What is the difference be accuracy and precision?  

Follow up...

Is it better to be accurate or precise?

Have fun

~sTeW~

Stew is Awesome!!!

"So explain to me why you would name this post that?"

We already talked about this.  You remember we decided that today's post is going to be about self confidence and ways that people show it.  How can you forget a conversation we had earlier today?

"How can you forget that I don't listen to half the crap that comes out of your mouth?"

And you wonder why no one ever takes you seriously.  You are a part of me and I do not even take you seriously.  Do you know how it feels not to take YOURSELF seriously?

"Obviously I do."

Oh......well I guess that makes sense.

Moving on.

Happy Tuesday readers.  How are you liking this 'post everyday' thing that I have going on?  It is not as hard as I thought it would be.  I like feedback, so let me know if I am keeping up with the quality of the posts.

So as you probably already know, today's post is about self confidence and the different ways that people display that confidence.  Some people insult others and talk down to people they feel are inferior.  Others just share their knowledge in a respectful way.  Some people ignore those who they feel are not on their 'level'.  Others acknowledge everyone because they know they have nothing to prove.  My mom tells me that I have this cockiness about me when I get to explaining something that I think that someone else does not know.  I think that she is over exaggerating, but she is never wrong.

One thing that I do on purpose is talk in the 3rd person.  Everyone tells me about how annoying it is, but I think it is funny.  

"I think it is pretty lame."

Not too much more lame than having people put 'King' in front of your name.

"Hey, people are just going to have to respect the fact that I am King Douglass."

Anyway....

Stew is a pretty cool guy. 

I guess he just wants the WORLD to know it too.

~sTeW~ 

Is it real?

How many of you believe in something that has no explanation?  Outside of religion, how many of you believe in ghosts, aliens, and stuff like that?  No just physical stuff, but just certain beliefs about a given situation.

"I think the word you are looking for is superstition genius."

Thanks Douglass, that's a good place to st...

"That's King Douglass to you peasant."

Riiiiiiiiight.

Seriously, how many of you are superstitious? Show of hands.  

What if when you did step on a crack you got a call from the hospital saying that your mother had suffered a broken back.  Would you believe it then, or would it just be a terrible coincidence?  What if when you broke a mirror your life was hell for 7 years, but after that 7 years you hit the lottery?  I bet you would steer clear of mirrors for the rest of your life.  What if knocking on wood really kept you from jinxing yourself?  People would start walking around with wooden slabs in they pockets/purses/backpacks.

"So all of a sudden you are superstitious?  I thought you did not believe in stuff like that.  As I recall, you have been calling it 'stupidsticious' since you were a child.'

No, I am not very superstitious at all, but there is one unexplained phenomenon that I think the WORLD agrees exists......

KARMA

I am going to warn everyone right now.  If I EVER fall completely off of the grid, it will be because karma is coming for me, or it has already taken me out.  I have a very compelling argument against karma and why I think the concept is complete nonsense, but I can also argue for the existence of karma.  I will just give the main points for and against karma.

Against: All karma does if play off of the fact that good and bad things happen to everyone in the world.  The only reason the idea of karma exists is because people want to wish bad things on bad people without feeling like a bad person.  This way their karma would not go into the negative.

For:  The world needs balance.  If someone does something bad then that person should have something bad happen to them.  (For the fans of Full Metal Alchemist, think equivalent exchange)  The argument for karma is just that simple.

"Ok... so all of that to say... what?"

If karma exists then it is going to come a me with a vengeance.  So far in my life I have not had a lot of hardship, but I have hurt plenty of feelings and pisses bunches of people off.  Recently, I have hurt enough feelings to last a few years.  During this latest session of hurt feelings, I have been hurt as well, but it just does not balance out.

Karma, if you are out there,  I am waiting for you.  I must warn you that I am a fighter, and I will stand strong until one of us come out the victor.

~sTeW~

Not Fatal Fridays!!!

"I really do hate that Stew censors me most of the time.  I feel like I have a lot of important things to say."

If everything you said did not have a sarcastic undertone to it then I would let you speak more.  If it were up to you then you would have the world bow down to you and hail you as their king.

"You damn right.  King Douglass.....or King Dougie???  I don't know which one sounds better.  But that is the only time I will allow anyone to call me Dougie.  You hear that ladies, you can call me Dougie as long as you put the 'King' in front of it."

Man get off of yourself.  I bet you would get off on people kneeling when you walk into the room and little kids running up to you asking for you autograph.

"I would LOVE for people to bow when I walk into the room, and in unison they all would have to say: 'Hail King Douglass.  For he might just be the greatest person ever.' Then my response would be: 'I do only what I can, only for my fans.'  I can see it now."

You really put a lot of thought into this haven't you?

"Ever since I was a little boy.  Anyhow, you bring up a good point though.  I would never sign autographs, I think they are pointless."

So I am guessing that this is the topic for this week's Not Fatal Fridays?

"I knew you were not as dumb as the way you sign your name on your posts suggests."

"If you ask me running up to someone and asking for their autograph serves no real purpose.  All it does is prove that you saw the person.  Why get them so sign some piece of cheap merchandise when you can just take a picture?  You will look equally as stupid jumping up and down waiting for this butt hole to sign your $15 limited edition shirt that everyone else has or standing there with your arm stuck in the air trying to get a decent shot of that douche.  So why not just take the easy way out and snap 100 pictures just to get 98 pictures of waving arms, 1 picture of the side of his/her nose, and 1 picture of his/her back as he/she gets back on their ridiculously huge tour bus/team bus/Maybach/private jet...you get the picture."

Well some people like that kind of thing.  Some people just enjoy having something that their favorite person signed.  There is nothing wrong with that.

"Yeah right.  It is never possible to read what those simpletons write anyway.  They just scribble the same nonsense over and over and call it an autograph.  Also, there is no reason to get someone's autograph unless you are pretty sure that it will be worth something in the future.  For you to get Ja Rule's autograph right now will be pointless.  Unless he discovers the cure for AIDS or can solve world hunger, his (and many others) autograph will be as worthless as one of those cologne/perfume inserts that you find in magazines.  As a matter of fact, I can not think of too many people's signatures would be worth anything now.  Readers, if I am wrong, please correct me.  You folks tell me one person who has a signature that could be worth something."

Call off the dogs Douglass, I think you made your point.

"So folks remember, getting an autograph from some clown is not fatal, therefore it's no big deal."

±KiNg DoUgLaSs±

The House Analogy

Humans and primates are 99% genetically the same. That 1% can mean the difference between swinging on trees, throwing your own feces at your mama, and being able to walk on two legs and put on underwear.

"I thought you were a geophysicists. How long have you been a geneticist too?"

Animal Planet give me all of the information I need. You should know, we watch it together all of the time, but I bet you are too busy playing with yourself to notice huh?

"Well you can kiss my ass!!!"

Just shut up for a minute.

The fact that humans are fundamentally the same means that you can make certain blanket statements about the different sexes. Think about any stereotype that has to do with the opposite sex.......got one??

Good

This is the analogy that I use, I call it:

The House Analogy

Here's the way I see it. When you think about a house there are certain things that all houses have, door, windows, rooms, lights, ect. But the thing that makes one more expensive, or more attractive is how the house is laid out. Some houses have more rooms than others, some are bigger than other, some are laid out better. Bottom line some houses are better than other houses. But at the same time, that house has everything in it that makes it a house, and that house is going to do the job of a house, no matter how much better one house is than the other house.

So when you apply this to people, girls for example, it is safe to say that all girls are emotional. Think of that attribute (emotional) to be the lights in a house. Some houses have more lights, and some lights are brighter.

An example for men, all men like porn. Think about men liking porn as windows. Some windowns are cleaner, bigger and more abundant in different houses.

"So now you are trying to relate people to houses?"

I thought I asked you to shut up.

"Don't be mad at me because you so called 'House Analogy' is stupid."

Of course you would say that because you are mad that you did not come up with it first.

"..."

I want you folks to think about what I said, and let me know if it makes sense to you or not. I will be more than happy to clear up anything for you. In the mean time....

What is the make up of your house??

~sTeW~

BIG BIG BIG Announcement!!!!

"Where is that idiot? I have been waiting here for 10 minutes. He said he had some BIG announcement to make today. I am sick of waiting on this guy, he is always late."

Good Douglass you are already here.

"It feels like I have been waiting here forever. I notice that you have been stressed lately, it has been affecting my performance."

What performance? All you do is follow me around all day. I am the only one who really does anything

"Well following you around and being lazy is not fun when you are stressed. I WANT TO PLAY!!!"

I think I am coming out of this bad place I have been in for the past two weeks.

"Good, because I am sick of having to deal with your nonsense. Now what is this big announcement that you wanted to make to our readers?"

For those of you who have been following this blog since its conception, you have probably noticed that I post about every two days. I wanted all of my readers to be able to read what I have written, and I wanted to have time to respond.

"Get to the point."

So I have decided that I am going to TRY and post everyday, but still keep the same quality that I have brought in the past. I am sure that I can come with quality material everyday, hell my mind is always working anyway.

"That's it??? That's the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT???"

Yeah, something wrong?

"You could have sent me a text or something. There was no need for you to make a huge deal about this and tell me to meet you at your apartment and all that crap. I'm gone."

For those of you who have not thrown a fit and left, stay tuned.

I have a lot on my mind

~sTeW~

Not Fatal Fridays!!!

"Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I have done one of my segments. I have been helping Stew with this paper that he has been working on. He can't seem to do anything without my help."

You have not helped me once. Every time I start to work on the paper you go to sleep. Yesterday I asked you to proof read it for me and you just turned over and continued to snore.

"Well you should have asked me earlier in the day."

IT WAS 7 O'CLOCK!!!!

"Like I said, you should have asked me earlier in the day."

Whatever man.

"During the little time that I do have to use the computer, I like to read tech websites, download music and other applications that our computer may need, and every now and again I read blogs. I asked Stew to suggest some good blogs for me to read and in this list of awesome blogs I came across Eb the Celeb's blog. To make a long story short, it seems she is scared to ask some guy out on a date. I also read Dejanae's blog and it seems as if she is having trouble asking a guy to dance with her in the club. It seems to me like these two ladies, and 90% of ladies all over the globe, are struggling with a disease I like to call Firstmoveitis. This is the topic of todays discussion."

"Since the beginning of the INDEPENDENT WOMAN MOVEMENT women have made great progress in the world. We are beginning to see more females in high position and getting better jobs. Though the pay is not equal yet, everyone can agree that women are making GREAT progress in this world. Every woman will tell you 'I can do the same things that a man can do'. If that is true what is stopping women from going up to a guy every now and again and asking him for his number? I bet if women began approaching us they will gain a new appreciation for the courage it takes to walk up to a complete stranger and strike up a conversation. Or how tough it is to approach a guy in the club and ask if he would like to dance. No one likes rejection, but guys have been dealing with it for CENTURIES. What's the point in standing around looking at a guy and talking to you friends about how fine he is if you are not going to do anything about it? I know that guys do it all the time, but most times when we do that, at least one guy out of the group will have the strength to walk over and say something do her."

I can honestly say that I do not disagree with you. I have been concerned about woman for a long time that are suffering from this disease. What are the symptoms?

"Symptom may include but are not limited to:"

• Chronic 'Naw girl he gotta come talk to me'
• Persistent staring and drooling
• Difficulty speaking
• Occasional 'He probably got a little dick anyway'
• Fatigue resulting in 'He way over there'
• Prolonged 'He could have came over here'
• And a multitude of other symptoms/excuses

Are there any treatments?

"The treatment is simple. Take one cup of MAN THE HELL UP and call me in the morning."

"But do not think that I am just talking to the ladies here. This goes out to anyone who is making excuses for not going after a person that they are attracted to. So ladies do not think that I am singling you out.....even though I am."

"So remember, making the first move is not fatal, therefore it is no big deal"

±DoUgLaSs±


Eb and Dejanae please do not take this as me trying to take a shot at you or anything like that. It is supposed to be funny, that's it. If you took it as such, disregard this message.